We’ve all been there… you’re having a conversation and all of the sudden there’s an awkward silence and neither of you can think of something say. The conversation has abruptly died and in a feeble attempt to revive it you say something so cliché it hurts like “At least the weather out today is great haha”. Both of you laugh awkwardly and you can’t believe you just said the exact words that make you cringe when you hear them from someone else.
Don’t worry, we have a solution. A simple formula to make sure you will never have an awkward conversation for the rest of your life. Most people make a few critical mistakes in conversations, but the thing is they’re easy to fix…
HOOK POINTS
When someone speaks with you they give you multiple hook points to which you can continue the conversation. Which hook point you choose will guide the conversation in a certain direction.
Example:
Person 1: Where have you traveled in the past?
Person 2: I love traveling, I’ve been to Greece and Spain. But Portugal is my favorite!
From here you have a few options.
Since person 2 mentioned they love traveling. Person 1 could ask why they love traveling or say that they love traveling too. They could also ask about the individual countries Greece and Spain or ask why Portugal is their favorite.
1ST LEVEL
But how do you create the deepest connection?
This is where a lot of people mess up. Our instinct is to immediately relate the question back to ourselves or tell an anecdote about one of the countries. But this doesn’t help you get to know the other person better.
There are three levels of interaction.
The most shallow level is when you relate their answer to another person entirely.
Person 2: I love traveling, I’ve been to Greece and Spain. But Portugal is my favorite!
Person 1: I have a friend that went to Portugal, she said it was amazing!
Although, this continues the conversation, it continues it in a weak way. Person 2 doesn’t know person 1’s friend and can’t talk deeper about their experience because that person isn’t there.
2ND LEVEL
Relate it back to yourself
Person 2: I love traveling, I’ve been to Greece and Spain. But Portugal is my favorite!
Person 1: I’ve been to Portugal, it was such an amazing trip!
This is what most of us do. Although it’s better than the first option, it’s still not the strongest. This takes the focus off of the other person and doesn’t allow us to get to know them deeper. If you do this often, the other person might even start to think you don’t care about them. Generally, you should wait for someone else to ask about your experiences before you start talking too much about yourself.
3RD LEVEL
Relate it back to the person
Person 2: I love traveling, I’ve been to Greece and Spain. But Portugal is my favorite!
Person 1: Oh wow Portugal, what is it in particular that you loved about Portugal?
Person 2: It was such a great experience I got to meet distant relatives of mine; and Ioved the architecture and food.
This is the best option because it allows the person to go deeper into their experience. You gave them the opportunity to tell you something that they are very passionate about. It always feels good when we can express ourselves in that way, and this will make the person feel like you are connecting on a deeper level than they would with most people.
The best part is that if you run out of things to ask at this level, you can move back to level 2 or even level 1. This way you’ll never run out of things to talk about.
BONUS
If you can relate their answer back to them and try to attribute it to a characteristic of their’s, then you can make an even deeper connection. Try to empathize and see things from their perspective.
Person 2: It was such a great experience I got to meet distant relatives of mine; and Ioved the architecture and food.
Person 1: That must have been amazing getting to meet relatives from another country, I feel like that would have given you a deep appreciation for the culture.
Person 2: Yes it was amazing to see how people so closely related could live such different lives. I really felt a strange connection even though I’ve never been their before, blah blah blah.
Doing this makes the person feel like you understand them. Also, throwing in statements instead of questions makes the conversation feel less like of an interview.
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